Introduction

This album is in memory of my eldest daughter Melu (Melanie) who was born November 22, 2007 and passed away on December 25th 2015 in a bicycle accident.

Melu with 8 years, 1 month and a few more days old helped to me to discover myself in every way and to remiend me whot I truly am.

A few days after the accident, I decided to play piano, I needed to understand through music what was happening to me and who I still was, but this time I decided to do it through music.

The first thing I did was to record everything I played with my cell phone.

Instead of sitting in my piano stool, I placed a few pillows low on the floor and I tried playing while sitting down. The keyboard was at my head height and I just simply started to play and record for hours without stopping for a few months.

For this album, I selected a few of these recordings which were composed in this manner with the exception of ‘Over the rainbow’ and ‘Today’.

By no means did I ever stopped to think what I was playing, I was not interested in writing it nor did I care at all about what music style it was, which harmony it should have been or the relationship between the melody and the harmony.

Years of study and practice were finally making sense.

I started to discover that music sounded different to what I had been playing for all my life, there was no prejudice… it was simple, easy to understand with very little harmonic sense, clear melodies and somewhat repetitive.

Beyond all, I started to feel peace, love, connection and cure. 

It was the time in my life when I felt most free, I had allowed myself to do first what I felt leaving anything else that was in my mind on the side. The curious aspect is that I felt that those close ones who surrounded me, they too allowed me to have that precious liberty without asking anything in return, it was permitted and it was all accepted.

The most painful moments also offered me moments of peace, that I no sometimes miss.

I discovered that pain itself can be a great healer and at the same time is the only one that really makes you stop to contemplate simple things like an ant trail making its work home or a lady bug walking in between the green leaves teaching me that it would be easier to live with such strong connections or just stare at the moon for 20 or 30 minutes.

To stop….. not to be in a rush, with no need to produce or feel productive. Simply, to stop.

Read a book, meditation, were also strong allies.

To think in all the experiences I had lived and try to accept them are an exercise I try not to forget doing a few times.

To think in god and religion is something I didn’t stop doing, of course I have not reached a true or definitive answer, but I could observe that just by thinking in god it offers me peace, love and a feeling that is how things must be.

In terms of religion and not being an expert in the field, I felt a relationship between relationship and fears in which I don’t feel totally comfortable.

I understood that you can be spiritual without being too attached to religion.

I got close to death without fears, trying to understand or to remember that is just a stage in life. A subject that I had always avoided and kept far away from me, like if it wasn’t a part of life.

I paid more attention to how I want to enjoy my time, how I want to spend or splurge my opportunity to live.

I learned something very interesting and is that living the moment is very different to what someone thinks what it could be.

There are no studies, titles or beliefs that could transmit or describe what the experience really is.

I watched how pain (yours or from another person) can make a person extremely generous.

I say myself contemplating how different I could be from what people think I really am.

I stopped and continue to stop to try to be honest and to listen to myself.

Time ago, I would have never imagined to ask me these questions and to look for answers in within me, I would have never imagined to record an album with this music style. It is highly probable that if someone had showed me this music from a jazz player I would have been very harsh.

I continue to play and at time I started to notice that while connecting with music I was reliving different moments from the past, during and before the accident, many times I lived those moments exactly and with the same intensity as they happened in life.

I was able to see how time can stop for a few seconds or milli-seconds.

I cryied intensely while I was playing and I still do today.

In this stage, I realized that music can have another place that I had given it, a very powerful place, well deserved that I had ignored before.

A place where ego steps aside, where “I” is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what music style you are playing, for how many people or how many of those would appreciate or not.

Music started to be in the place that should be, to have its own energy, indpendency and it was helping me to accept better than anything else and it is still this way today.

This is how living each of those moments I gave a title to every piece of this album.

This album has no commercial purposes and it was possible to launch thanks to FONAM which supported me economically to whom I am enormously thankful.

I would like to give it to those families that went through a similar expierence than us whom I have no doubt will value and understand without explanations.

I would aslo like that whoever receives this album does a good action in honor of Melu.

I would like to clarify that during those moments playing piano, I also composed music that for some reason made me think in the special bonding that a few family members had with Melu like in the of mom and ‘Tia Silvia’ that unfortunately were impossible to reproduce at the studio.

I would like to thank my friend Luis Ravizza for joining me in the emotional journsey of recording the disc.

Thanks to Diego cataldo for getting involved with the art in the intimacy of this album.

I dedicate it also with all my love to many of you that helped and supported me, my wife Jaqui, my daughter Lara, my son Jaoco and Tere.

I will never get tired of thanking: my parents, my parents in law, my siblings, my sibilings in law, my nephews, those true friends that I don’t even need to say thanks, those that are there from minute  zero, kids of our friends, uncles, cousins, Tere, parents from Yavne School, an institutional from which we received love and support, Yavne Shul, Melu’s friends, teachers, Kehhila, Jazit, Madrijim, neighbors, Rabis and their families, musicianas, those who send us food filled with love, doctors, pshicloigists, masseus, work colleagues and many that I know have prayed for us.

I am very thankful to all of you and know that all that love you gave us it was well received.

Thanks to the love of my life Jaqui for your unconditional support.

Thank you Melu for all these experiences we lived together, there are no pictures of those marvelous moments, I would have been distracted and they wouldn’t have been the best ones.

Thanks Lari for showing us the road ahead, you truly make it great.

Thank Joaco for coming in such a special time.

I am also thankful for my job that gave me the possibility of being close to Melu for 8 years.

Thank you God.

Thank you

 

1. Riding my bike

When I composed this music, the only thing I visualized while I was playing was the whole bike path we rode on December 25th 2015.

While I am listeting, I can feel every moment… like when we walked out of the garage carrying our bikes after making them ready to ride, how we crossed the street with special care as we got ready for our journey.

I was able to relive that feeling of happiness and plenitude that I had during those moments we were cycling.

While I am listening, I see and feel each image vividly, like if I had placed a video camera recording every moment.

I remember the conversations we had and I can feel the wind hitting my face.

I remember the exact moment I passed her with my back as if knew what would happen behind me a few seconds later.

Nothing changes in me, even after two yers, I relive it with the same intensity as I am playing this music, it feels it was only a few moments ago.

2. I am waiting you to die

The title of this music is clear and it simply is the feeling I had at that moment.

I knew that Melu was waiting for me to get there. I have no doubt she was waiting me in mom’s arms so that I could her in my arms and see how probably she was taking her last breath.

She wasn’t going to leave until I got there, I know that.

The same grasp for breath that she had given many times while she was sleeping and I had looked at here while in her bed.

All around her were in complete shock and I was very altered, but…. Melu seemed to know exactly what was happening and in perspective I am sure that I that moment she was in peace and surrounded by the maximum amount of love that can exist.

I thank god that I was present at that time

3. Little stones for pillow

For some time I went to the cemetery to try to be close to Melu, in some cases joined by my wife, and some others on my own.

I had never imagined that a person could be there and had no rush to leave, to feel relaxed right next to the tombstone of my daughter with an amazing amount of little stones on top of it which is tradition in Judaism.

During one of those days, I laid down and placed my head on top of the little stones and I think I fell asleep for a while.

When i opened my eyes, I saw the sky like I had never seen it before. It was really beautiful and I felt peace and love at the same time.

I came home and played this music just feeling that moment.

4. For tonight’s star

From that moment, many of us had the need to start meditating, to watch the sky, the sun, the moon, trying to understand through the song of a bird what happened to us.

To observe without time how a star flickers more than other.

This music is inspired to join someone who every night goes to the garden of their house to watch the stars and in silence is looking for peace.

A person who knew how to join us, filled with strength and love, who knew how to support us and take a supportive role which helped us a lot and I will always cherish.

That person is my sister Yael

5. Dancing Waltz with Melu

Without thinking too much I started with playing with my eyes shut. All of a sudden in a moment I saw myself in a ballroom and Melu and I were in the dancing floor dancing this music. Eventhough the music is not a waltz I still feel it as it were.

We were both very happy and in total peace and harmony.

Throughout the dance floor I felt people surrounding us, I wouldn’t know how to explain the feeling, but I am sure that they were there and contemplating our lovely moment.

Time before Melu left us, I dreamt of dancing the waltz with her.

With this unique and inexplicable experience we could live it.

We played this music during the Shloshim (a traditional Jewish ceremony done 30 days after death). A speec was not necessary, the music spoke for itself.

6. I’ll always be there

This music was born from a special feeling and is that Melu will always be here with us and with a message of not to worry and always have hope.

Every second that passes by she is always with us.

I can feel many times her pure and eternal love, her understanding, support and her endless love.

To experience love as something real and concrete is much stronger from anything I can expect from physical and material things.

In this long/short journey, I am learning that what never ends is exactly love. It continues to live even when the physical aspect is gone.

Every day that goes by I am more convinced that YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

7. Today

This music was recorded the day I went to the studio (September 7, 2017) and I simply asked my dear friend Luiz Ravizza to start recording, that I was going to play without thinking in anything.

I named it today because this is who I am today.

I am not the same person I was before Melu left us, but I also am not the person that was stuck in that moment on December 25, 2015.

As you can note, my music is different, my vibration is different, the times I am living have changed.

I am, but I am not the same one.

I try to accept every day.

To live with such a profound pain opens new internal roads, many of the spiritual and other that I would very much like to know how to drive them.

But at the end of the day I feel that this is my experience, unique and no matter how painful it is, I live it fully and I do not escape them.

This is what makes find with more clarity which moments in the day I am happy and thakful.

8. Singing with Melu

This music was recorded at home in a very domestic way using my cell phone.

I decided to leave it as it is and not to re-record it in a studio,

In the background you hear the singing of baby pigeons.

The moment before Melu left us, she mysteriously started talking to us about reincarnation, something she never had done before and came to a shock to us.

In these short conversations, Melu told us: ‘when I die, I would like to become a bird…’

Download / Credits

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Texts and music: Diego Goldsztein

Illustrations: Lucía Franco

Graphic Design: Diego Cataldo

Recording, mixing and master: Luis Ravizza Estudio Berequetúm, Montevideo 2017